Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays, VII

Welcome to the 7th (and quite possibly last, at least for a while) Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays. My apologies for the two-days-late publication. I've been sick since Sunday and had no chance to put this together until now.

I suspect that this will be the last of these that I host (and post), at least for a few months, as the number of submissions has fallen off drastically since the Christmas/New Years period. I suppose that should have been expected. Not as many folks are going to get as pissed about Groundhog Day or April Fools as they are about holidays with religious themes.

I want to sincerely thank the folks who have contributed to this space since the carnival's inception some seven months ago. I read every article that comes my way and I've learned a few things - some even useful. Please don't hesitate to submit your stuff concerning any holiday, even if you aren't sure when the next carnival will post, as I may publish another sooner than expected if I receive enough submissions.

Here are the hardy few who decided to submit something for this issue:

Rebecca Newburn of Information Age Education gives us Take A Vacation From Complaining. Rebecca says: "Why not take a vacation from ranting? Here's a helpful piece. It'll put you in a great mood even for hijacked holidays." As can be seen by my above comments, many of us already have, Rebecca! Thanks!

Will Chen of Wise Bread submits the thoroughly entertaining and informative Weird Things You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day. I enjoyed this, a lot.

And now, I present the oddest post I have ever had submitted to this carnival. It is quite fitting for it to be included in this swan song, as the subject matter seems to have nothing whatsoever to do with any holiday in particular.

Antonio, of Auto And Trucks tells us all What To Do When You Have Tire Blowout On The Road And How To Change A Flat Tire?

(It's mighty good advice, even if I'll be damned if I can figure out how it has anything to do with holidays.)

And that's that! You're all welcome to peruse my "regular" blog, Suldog-O-Rama, any time you're bored and want to become even more so.

Until we meet again, keep your eye on the ball and write if you get work.


Friday, March 16, 2007

It's A Great Day For The Semi-Irish!

Ah, Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day tomorrow! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, and then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob and t’row me 26 kiddos down the stairs, so they get ready for mass in a proper way. After the service, I’ll punch Father O’Malley in the mush and head on over to the pub and meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith and begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ the bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tell ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then the topper to the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a fine sight to see all the lads and lassies dressed in their finest and marchin’ down the street? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, and póg mo thóin!


Ah, the barmaid is a fine homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a fine day!


O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in your fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s your 42 kids? (*smash!*) Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see your face!


And I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ the time you tripped me durin’ recess in the fifth grade, you bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole and it’s time for me to go meet me 32 brothers an’ sisters who’re on the police department and me 64 uncles on the fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work for the state because we’re all goin’ over to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play the harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef and cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin Go Bragh!


I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it isn’t Bastille Day tomorrow. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, Bucko.