A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays, VIII

"Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty." - Wendell Phillips



Hello, and welcome back to the blog carnival that wouldn't die.

I intended the last issue to be THE LAST ISSUE. I didn't have the time or inclination to keep doing this. My other blog (Suldog-O-Rama) takes up enough of my time already. Response to this one had been lackluster and I decided to just let it peter out. Although I truly appreciated the contributions, I found traffic lacking from anyone other than the contributors, so hardly worth my time or theirs.

Again, I'll just let it go after this.

However, I received a few more pieces for inclusion and I wouldn't feel right if I just tossed them. Those people went out of their way to send me stuff, with the thought in mind that their writings would find a welcome, and I know how I'd feel if I sent stuff out and it never showed up or was not acknowledged.

(Pissed, in case you were wondering.)

So, here are those pieces received for inclusion in this, the Independence Day edition of A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays. Enjoy!

To start off, here's a holiday that happened two months ago. It's only because of my abominable laziness that you aren't hearing about it in a timely fashion. My apologies to Gillian of Food History, gracious enough to tell us all about Cinco De Mayo, a true hijacked holiday.

Valentine's Day? That was in February, right? Hey, so was my last cogent thought, so why quibble? Art Thailand sends us some semi-porn (which is better than no porn) in Valentine, Oh Valentine, Wherefore Art My Valentine?

Next up, in this parade of past dates, is Mothers Day. We hear from the tremendously honest Modest Jon Swift who tells us that His Mother Is A Terrible Person.

Even further back in time is Halloween. The afore-mentioned Modest Jon Swift gives us something concerning that holiday, in Scooter Libby's Halloween. Heck, if I had been just a tad more lazy, this would have become current again - maybe.

Moving on...

The Therapy Doc, who has contributed here before (and whom I like a whole lot) has given us Doe A Dear. Keeping with my theme, it's pretty much about a past holiday (Fathers Day), but also considers Memorial Day, which is even further in the past.

Riding With Ricky gives us a comprehensive (and humorous) guide to enjoying a Memorial Day Barbeque.

Moving ever closer to the current month, Blog Fabulous asks us to Boycott Christmas In June. It concerns the greedy monetary aspects of Christmas, mostly, so I somewhat agree with the sentiment. It is, after all, what this blog was pretty much all about when it was founded.

This next one I like a lot. The reason is it gives me a chance to plug one of my own pieces, which I'll do after I tell you about Jack Of All Days, who sends along something about a holiday I had no idea existed. It is June 13th, otherwise known as Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day.

(I do believe I qualify. Read my Tales From The Kitchen Of Chef Dumbass and see if you don't agree.)

Now we come, at last, to July 4th and associated concepts!

Wenchypoo gives us some damned good advice, in Liberty In All Its Glory.

And that's it! Nothing else concerning Independence Day! Therefore, Wenchypoo wins this editions Relevancy Award! The prize package includes my best wishes and (should we ever actually meet) my hearty handshake.

Then there are those who don't understand the concept at all.



Advice For Bloggers gives us... Advice For Bloggers.

(I shouldn't be too snarky about this, considering my track record. Oh, what the hell.)

What in the name of Satan's Armpit does this have to do with holidays??? I mean, it might be helpful information, but does it have anything whatsoever to do with holidays? Not that I can divine. So...???

Getting back to the subject at hand...

Oh, wait a minute. I also got a submission from a website called (I am not making this up, nor am I providing a link) Spunkmouth. If you know me, you know I don't mind a little pornography now and again; see the Valentine's submission above, for instance. As a matter of fact, I am one of the staunchest pro-porno people you can probably find. However, unless we're talking about a holiday from good taste, THIS SUBMISSION HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HOLIDAYS.

(Look it up in Google if you want a cheap thrill, I suppose. Be prepared, though. It's definitely NOT work-environment-friendly, unless your work environment is a Danish porno shop.)

And, almost as deplorable as unsolicited porno (as opposed to solicited porno, which is okee-dokee) is accounting, so it's only right that Basic Accounting should send along The Sky Is The Limit, which has something to do with increasing your potential readership. Again, nice info, but WTF?

And, finally, this... Something to do with General Motors and Transformers. Egads.

Vaya Con Dios, until we meet again.

A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays, VII

Welcome to the 7th (and quite possibly last, at least for a while) Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays. My apologies for the two-days-late publication. I've been sick since Sunday and had no chance to put this together until now.

I suspect that this will be the last of these that I host (and post), at least for a few months, as the number of submissions has fallen off drastically since the Christmas/New Years period. I suppose that should have been expected. Not as many folks are going to get as pissed about Groundhog Day or April Fools as they are about holidays with religious themes.

I want to sincerely thank the folks who have contributed to this space since the carnival's inception some seven months ago. I read every article that comes my way and I've learned a few things - some even useful. Please don't hesitate to submit your stuff concerning any holiday, even if you aren't sure when the next carnival will post, as I may publish another sooner than expected if I receive enough submissions.

Here are the hardy few who decided to submit something for this issue:

Rebecca Newburn of Information Age Education gives us Take A Vacation From Complaining. Rebecca says: "Why not take a vacation from ranting? Here's a helpful piece. It'll put you in a great mood even for hijacked holidays." As can be seen by my above comments, many of us already have, Rebecca! Thanks!

Will Chen of Wise Bread submits the thoroughly entertaining and informative Weird Things You Didn't Know About Valentine's Day. I enjoyed this, a lot.

And now, I present the oddest post I have ever had submitted to this carnival. It is quite fitting for it to be included in this swan song, as the subject matter seems to have nothing whatsoever to do with any holiday in particular.

Antonio, of Auto And Trucks tells us all What To Do When You Have Tire Blowout On The Road And How To Change A Flat Tire?

(It's mighty good advice, even if I'll be damned if I can figure out how it has anything to do with holidays.)

And that's that! You're all welcome to peruse my "regular" blog, Suldog-O-Rama, any time you're bored and want to become even more so.

Until we meet again, keep your eye on the ball and write if you get work.

Suldog

It's A Great Day For The Semi-Irish!

Ah, Sweet Jayzis, ‘tis Saint Patty’s day tomorrow! Time for the wearin’ o’ the green!

I’ll be startin’ me day off wit’ a pint o’ Guinness, and then a big tub o’ corned beef an’ cabbage. After that - Tura Lura Loo! - I’ll slap ME WIFE upside her gob and t’row me 26 kiddos down the stairs, so they get ready for mass in a proper way. After the service, I’ll punch Father O’Malley in the mush and head on over to the pub and meet Murph, Mac, Murph, Quinn, Tommy Fitz, Timmy Fitz, Jimmy Fitz, Murph, Sweeney, Sully, Sully, Big Sully, Fahey, Sully, and O’Brien for a few quarts o’ whiskey. Faith and begorrah! Then we’ll have a grand time whalin’ the bejeezus out of each other until the blood runs in rivers, I tell ya! Toity toity toy! Then some more corned beef an’ cabbage an’ more whiskey an’ more Guinness while we tell each other tales o’ how, if we was still in the Auld Sod, we’d be beatin’ the snot out o’ whole armies o’ English arseholes. Ptooie!

O! Then the topper to the whole grand day! The parade, by Jayzis! Won’t it be a fine sight to see all the lads and lassies dressed in their finest and marchin’ down the street? Ah, where’s me shillelagh? Another pint o’ Guinness, O’Reilly, and póg mo thóin!

(*Snort*)

Ah, the barmaid is a fine homely lass, she is, but I’m a married man! Where’s ME WIFE? I want another 6 kids! Ah, ‘tis a fine day!

(*punch*)

O’Toole, how are you? Go shit in your fist, you boghoppin' son of a bitch! Where’s your 42 kids? (*smash!*) Ah, Mullins! I thought that was you! Saints be praised, it’s good to see your face!

(*crack*)

And I don’t suppose you were after forgettin’ the time you tripped me durin’ recess in the fifth grade, you bastard! Go n-ithe an cat thú, is go n-ithe an diabhal an cat!

Jayzis, Mary and Joseph! I’m so drunk I can’t find me own arsehole and it’s time for me to go meet me 32 brothers an’ sisters who’re on the police department and me 64 uncles on the fire department an’ me 487 cousins who work for the state because we’re all goin’ over to Seamus McCarthy’s house to play the harp, drink more whiskey, eat more corned beef and cabbage, and then fight all night until we collapse in the street in a drunken bloody stupor. Erin Go Bragh!

(sigh)

I’m partly Irish. You don’t get a name like Sullivan or a face like mine without some Irish blood, but - God help me – I sure do hate to admit it sometimes.

The Irish are just about the only ethnic group that you can defame with impunity. Nobody is holding rallies to change the name of the Notre Dame athletic teams. The Fighting Irish. Try calling some college team The Hotheaded Hispanics and see how far you get. Throw an Irish cop with a larcenous streak into a movie or a TV show and nobody blinks. Hell, make him a drunk who beats his wife and has 12 unkempt bratty children. You might as well go all the way. It’s not like anybody is going to complain, least of all the Irish themselves. The Irish are just about the only group that generally ignores most of the stereotypes people throw around about them. For that matter, many of us seem to take pride in our rotten image.

When I say “us,” I say it with some reservation. Yes, I have Irish blood, but unless I tell you, you wouldn’t know that I actually have a higher percentage of Hispanic, not to mention French. I also have Yankee, which is English in origin, of course. And some Scottish. The Irish is pretty much only pasty skin deep.

So, by the stereotypes, this is my make up:

I’m a red-headed Irish Hispanic, so I must have a hair-trigger temper. However, being French, as soon as you stand up to my temper, I’ll surrender. Since I’m also English, I’ll probably make a very wry joke while doing so. The Scot in me would like to make a buck out of the whole deal.

I like to eat potatoes at every meal, but I’ll have snails, greasy beef and haggis with them. Oh, yes, with jalapenos on the side. I’ll also have a heaping helping of spotted dick for dessert, but petit fours will do in a pinch.

I’m up for just about anything sexually, of course, but would you mind not shaving your armpits? I might slap you around a bit, but later you can tie up the English side of me and put a whip to my butt, so it’ll even out. Since I’m also a Scot, if you want me to wear a kilt while we’re doing it, I’m OK with that.

I think Jerry Lewis is a genius, but Monty Python, Cantinflas, Billy Connolly and the first half of this post also make me laugh. I drive a Jaguar low-rider powered by peat, but never on toll roads. I wear a beret on top of my sombrero, as well as a derby under it. I work for the government, I sponge off of the government, I am the government, and I want to overthrow the government.

Ah, that’s enough of that, I suppose.

(Just in case you’re really wondering, about 1/3 of the above is true. I’ll leave it to your imagination which 1/3.)

(Not the Jaguar, that’s for sure.)

So, I don’t really have much of a point here, but I’m glad you came along for the ride. If I’ve upset you in any way, just be thankful that it isn’t Bastille Day tomorrow. Or Cinco De Mayo, for that matter.

Soon, con mas (whatever the French word for “better” is) stuff, Bucko.

A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays, VI

Hello, and welcome to the sixth edition of A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays.

Some of you may be readers of my other blog, Slugdog... er... Suldog-O-Rama. If so, then you probably know that I'm taking a few days off to recharge the batteries, etc. That being the case, you should know that I'm not going to go on at length here. I'll just say a most sincere "Thank You!" to all of those who have contributed to this issue and tell you that the next issue will be out on Friday, March 16th - just in time to get everything you've ever wanted to get off of your chest about Saint Patrick's Day... well, off of your chest, I guess.

As usual, I present the submissions according to their date of submission. First come, first up.

Old friend Reb Chaim QoHoton starts us off with Holiday Of Trees. Now, I must admit that I never knew that trees had their own New Year, let alone that there was any argument over when that New Year should be celebrated, so I've learned something. I don't know what practical use I'll have for this education, though. I suppose next Tu B'Shvat I could buy funny party hats for all of the ficuses in my neighborhood. Since I like Fig Newtons so much, I think this would be a nice gesture on my part.

Next up, another frequent contributor, Mad Kane, gives us A Valiant Guy's Guide To Valentine's Day, in which she gives advice on how to make your sweetie's day a memorable one and, by extension (if that isn't too much of a double-entendre), your own.

The marvelously titled I Am Screaming And Punching Myself has another take on things. In Maybe One Is The Safest, Most Sanitary Number it is posited that you might be lucky if, on Valentine's Day, you get to skip the whole dreadful thing.

My Simple Trading System sends word that Mother's Day is already being flogged, in Mother's Day Marketing Already Started.

Next up, Babylune gives us But I Want A Lot, wherein her toddler pushes for Easter to be more like Christmas.

(There are some interesting quotes from an NPR article, which in turn quotes a UNICEF study, and one part of which I simply must comment upon, otherwise I wouldn't be me. To wit...

"The United States and Britain were lowest overall in the category of behavior and risks, meaning that American and British children are more likely to use drugs, drink alcohol and be sexually active than children elsewhere."

LOWEST overall? I would think that would put those kids in the highest category - and not just because it's a crummy pun. If they're the most likely to use drugs, drink alcohol and be sexually active, then they're having the best time of any of the kids on the planet. That used to be my idea of one hellaciously successful weekend.)

(Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kids should be straight and jerking off, instead of getting all screwed up and screwing. I know the politically correct thing to say, but that doesn't mean it's going to be said. Sorry.)

Finally, that despoiler of today's youth, Suldog, presents As Per Request, from which the cartoon at the top of this page comes. Knowing that, you would be a fool to go see more of them, especially considering his cavalier attitude towards dangerous substances and practices.

(As a matter of fact, it could be argued that none of these cartoons would have been drawn without at least one abuse of the three previously-mentioned abusive practices. This pretty much proves one side of the argument, although probably not the one I'd like.)

And that is most decidedly it. Remember to go to Blog Carnival to send me your submissions for the next edition. See you in March!

A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays, V

Can't wait for President's Day? Marvy's Department Store Introduces its Annual "Martin Luther King Day" Sale!

I have a dream...of LOW, LOW Prices

20% off! 40% off! 50% off! This Martin Luther King Day, all sales are not created equal! In all departments, from housewares to evening wear, high prices are moving to the back of the bus!

Stage a SHOP-IN!

Marvy's: Not "Free at Last," But Darn Close!

(The copy is from brunching shuttlecocks and I heartily advise you to go there and have a good laugh. The photo comes from this place, which I believe is written in Dutch. If either of them don't want me using their stuff here, I'll gladly remove it. However, I suspect that if the Dutch people write to me, I won't understand them. Therefore, their chances of getting satisfaction are somewhat lesser.)

Welcome to the fifth edition of A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays!

One of the interesting things I'm learning, as I get up to speed on the basics of hosting this carnival, is that many of the submissions for this particular carnival are somewhat past their relevancy date. I don't mean that they are worthless. All postings have intrinsic value, whatever date they are seen, but some lose their "sting", if you will.

This was driven home to me when I received a submission just after Christmas concerning, if I recall correctly, atheism and Christmas shopping. The person who sent it was sincere and thoughtful. Now, those of you who know me well also know that I am a somewhat devout Christian. However, I hope I've made it clear that all are welcome to express their views here, whether I agree with them or not. In any case, I felt it was my duty to write this person and tell him that his submission would not have near the same impact if it appeared in January. He agreed and asked that I drop it from this issue. I said that I would.

Following that e-mail conversation, I received a few more submissions mainly concerned, in one way or another, with Christmas. I now feel as though I may have done that person a disservice, as I intend to include all of the other subsequent submissions. Unfortunately, I've lost the fellow's e-mail and have no way to contact him. If I still had it, I would ask him again if he'd like to have his piece included, telling him most of what I've written above as explanation.

Bottom line is this: If you're reading this, and you are that person, I just want to be absolutely certain you know that I didn't single you out for non-inclusion because of a disagreement with the content of your piece. If you wish, I'll offer you a chance for a sort of make up, though perhaps it might do you a bit less good than being included in the main body here. If you'd still like folks to see your piece, please leave the address for it in the "comments" section. Barring that, if you'd like it included in a future edition, please re-submit it and I'll give it prominent placement.

Whew! That's a whole bunch of apologizing to start off with, eh? Sorry!

That is an inherent problem with this carnival, though. Most folks aren't going to write about a particular holiday until around the time for that holiday, so some wonderful posts will necessarily fall into the cracks and not be seen until well after the holiday in question. I don't think there's much I can do to alleviate this. If I publish too far in advance of a holiday, the posts will not have been written, let alone submitted. If I publish too late, the same problems I've detailed will still exist. I've tried to strike a balance of sorts, but I'm still learning, so I hope you'll bear with me.

OK, let's get on with what you came here for - the fifth edition of A Carnival Of Hijacked Holidays! In the order in which I received them, here are the stars of the show.

Leading off, we have CHRISTMAS INFLATABLES from ANOTHER DOOR OPENS, showing us proof of the old truism that I just made up: One person’s holiday jollity is another’s freaky cemetery for cartoon characters.

Speaking of freaky cemeteries, how about some DEAD SANTAS, courtesy of JENNIE'S RAMBLES.

MAD KANE lends a helping hand by providing us with a contract to keep us on the straight and narrow. IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED...

Just to show I truly DON’T discriminate against atheists, here’s some POST-HOLIDAY COMMENTARY from WENCHYPOO.

JACK’S SHACK posts I HATE THE HOLIDAY SEASON at RANDOM THOUGHTS - DO THEY HAVE MEANING? It's about as vitriolic a rant as you’re likely to encounter, so that’s worth something. However, I would point out to Mr. Shack that, if you insist on using an “X” in place of Christ’s name, the form would be “Xian”, not “Xtian”.

KAREN SHANLEY gives us her Christmas list in DEAR SANTA. Funny stuff.

Steve Rudolph, who oversees WORKDISH, tells me that "Workdish is a user-submitted job info site with lots of interesting tips and crazy stories - here's a SUBMISSION FROM A HOLIDAY SANTA!

SAGE, over at PERSEPHONE'S BOX, shares a nostalgic look back at her favored form of holiday celebration, and some complaints concerning what she doesn’t like putting up with now, in MR. GORE, YOU MIGHT JUST SAVE CHRISTMAS.

FITCH HURST of WISE BREAD gives us some good tips concerning airplane trips in WHY HOLIDAY TRAVEL GOT SUCH A BAD RAP.

Finally, some jerk named SULDOG goes on forever about practically nothing, in A CHRISTMAS MEME.

And that will do it for now. The next Carnival will be out on February 21st, just in time to complain about what’s left of Washington’s Birthday. See you then!

(To submit your article for inclusion in a future carnival, please visit Blog Carnival.)